Survivor: Superman

“Welcome boys and girls, This is The Joker and do I have a special treat in store for you!” The Clown Prince of Crime grinned at the television cameras. The studio lights all glowed red as the curtain was raised to reveal twelve men dressed in Superman costumes sitting on stools with the mouths gagged and rope tying their wrists and ankles together. Each ‘hero’ had a red face mask to protect his identity. “Welcome to a special edition of Survivor: Superman. HAHAHAHA! Today we have a dozen Supermen who will compete for the woman that they love, Lois Lane!”

The camera panned on Lois who was strapped to an electric chair in the corner of the stage. She screamed through her gag trying to break free of the leather restraints holding her to the lethal chair.

“Now here comes the punchline, boys and girls.” The Joker cooed. “Only one of these muscled bound oafs is the real Superman! In order for Ms. Lane to come out of this alive, the REAL Superman has to win the game.

I know what you idiots are saying,” Joker mocked to the camera as his voice changed trying to sound like a normal person. “Superfreak can just use his powers and beat up all the fakes.” He giggled as his normal voice returned. “That’s what these red lights are for. These red sun lamps provided by our sponsor, Lexcorp. Lexcorp, the image of a beautiful Metropolis. Lexcorp hates Superman. Hates everything about Superman. Hates that I stole these lamps from right under Lexie’s nose. HA!

Now for our first elimination event, we will do a simple question and answer on how well each Superman knows Lois Lane. A correct answer will be rewarded with a pat on the head, but a wrong answer will have our famous reporter zapped with electricity. Let’s begin.”

Carrying an old fashioned wand microphone, Joker danced his way on the stage where the Supermen were waiting. “Superman #1, What is Lois’ first name?”

Superman #1 frowned as his wild eyes looked around. Joker tapped his foot impatiently waiting for an answer. The madman suddenly started laughing. “I guess I should take his gag off first.”

The gag was removed and Superman #1 answered, “Uh, Lois?”

“THAT is correct!” Joker cried out. “Good job, Superman #1” The villain hand went forward in slow motion and patted the possibly captured hero on the head.  

“Superman #2, Is Lois Lane a boy or a girl?”

Joker removed the next Superman’s gag. Sweat was pouring down his face as he opened his mouth to answer. “Um, um, um, g-g-g-g-g”

“J-J-J-JUST ANSWER ALREADY!” The villain screamed.

“A girl!” The hero screamed back.

The Clown Prince of Crime scratched his head. “Is she? I never noticed. Harley, why don’t you check to see if he is right?”

“You got it, Mista J.” She cooed back. Harley Quinn bound on stage and to Lois’ mortification stuck her hand up her skirt. “Let me see. Hey Puddin, I think I feel a pussycat in there.”

“Well, it looks like Superman #2 is correct.” Joker laughed as he patted the captive on his head. “Let’s move on to Superman #3. What color panties is Lois wearing?”

The hero’s eyes grew wide with anger as his gag was pulled off. “How dare….” His words were cut off as he doubled over in pain from Joker’s fist in his gut.

“Just answer the question, #3.” The Joker warned with a very rare serious expression.

“I swear I will make…..” Again Superman doubled over in pain from Joker’s fist.

“Strike 2, #3,” The villain warned menacingly. “Do you have enough balls to find out what happens in strike 3?”

“I don’t know. Pink?” Superman #3 answered with fear in his voice.

“Harley, What is the correct answer?”

Harley Quinn reached under Lois’ skirt again and with a yank, she pulled out the captive reporter’s panties. “Uh, Mista J, it looks like they were white.”

“OH NO!” Joker laughed. “It looks like #3 was wrong! To tell you the truth, I’m bored with this anyways. Let’s go straight into the elimination round!”

Lois screamed through her gag as the electric chair started to hum with life. The other bound Superman easily broke through their rope bondage while the real Superman struggled to access his strength. Unfortunately for him, the red sun lamps had turned him to a normal man.

One of the Supermen put a noose around the real hero’s neck as The Joker kicked him in the chest knocking him to the ground. He tried to get up but an imitation of his red boot pressed against his chest keeping him pinned.

“For answering your question wrong, you will be hanged while poor dear Lois is electrocuted. Do you have any last words?”

“Please, Joker!” Superman begged as the end of the noose was tossed up into the rafters. The fakes pulled the noose up as the helpless hero found himself being dragged up in the air. “Don’t do this! Save Lois and I will do anything. Kill me if you must, but please spare her. I promise to do anything that you want!”

With a flourish of his hand, Joker’s men stopped hoisting the doomed hero in the air. The hum of the electric chair died as the Clown Prince of Crime walked slowly over to the captured hero. The men let go of the rope as Superman crashed down to the floor. For the first time in a long time, there was genuine fear on The Man of Steel’s face.

“Anything, you say?”


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